THE CHRONICLES OF THE EX’S WHO WON’T LEAVE

Some of us are living our own soap operas forgetting that

 “Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass…

It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.” — Vivian Greene.

It is so typical of me to be in love with soap operas. I am a woman! My best part is always watching how ambitious and malicious a stubborn ex-spouse can be. The go-getter attitude is such insatiable drama.

The characters chosen for these parts are usually such gorgeous beings. I still do not get why they struggle

to move on.

 Nothing can stop your ex from showing up at your door step with a million and something apologies, love songs or poems .How about that one who is bombarding your office desk with roses and gifts? There is the other one who is already blacklisted by Safaricom for telephoning you. I mean endless voice messages, text messages, and phone calls. The ‘good Samaritan’ ones cannot be left behind. They do monthly shopping for you, buy you a house, take care of your children whether theirs or not, get you to hospital when need be. We dare not forget the wild ones. These are the ex’s we all either hate and have or hate to have. They are fire balls spitting venom everywhere they go. They besmirch you on the internet, at the office, amidst your friendship circles. Everyone knows how terrible you are in spousal duties.

Such ex's are trying to relay a certain message. It could be all or some of the following.

My self esteem is at floor level.
It is such nothingness that they do not see themselves worth finding someone new to love them. There is no hope.
People with self esteem issues can be such trouble to handle. In their eyes, life is anger, self-pity, cowardice, paranoia.

Regret and guilt gnaw at my soul.

They took you for granted, disrespected you. You have children together. They were  rarely there for them. It took dry wells for them to realize that the water they cannot live without has long dried out. Sticking around you tames the harshness entwined with regret. Now they are doing good things for you to soothe the pangs of guilt.

You are my obsession.

They eat you, drink you, smell you, and live you. If you have remember Lisa from the movie Obsessed featuring Beyonce Knowles and Idris Elba, you get an idea of what being someone’s obsession means.

I have First Love syndrome.

Love puts people in a crazy state of mind. First love is the craziest. Now that I have experienced it with you, I cannot let go. They imagine that this is why all the relationships they have tried after you have only brought them zero scale contentment.

Scared of lonely.

 They need to sleep and wake up to another heart beat besides theirs. Perhaps need to hear singing in their kitchen as they return home from a long day at work.

My friends think that I let you down easily.
 All the gruesome experiences you them through deserve to be paid back with revenge. This is why they are  trashing your name on Twitter ,post some of your naked videos on YouTube. Thank God for Photoshop! They can spice up some nasty photos too.


MY TAKE?

Stay away from exs until they get their act together through counseling. According to Gary Criag, the mind behind EFT (Emotional Freedom techniques), negative emotions spreads negative energy.

Look, they are probably not the likes of Masaku, Mekatilili wa Menza or Sakawa-Rainmakers.There is no chance that I will make rain to fill the dried wells. They had their time and wasted it. Value your time!

Too much of anything is poisonous. Poison kills .File a restraining order against them. Shift to another area if you can.

 Revengeful people are no ones friends. Not even God’s. Why should you be the one to persevere? Take heed of Marcus Aurelius words:  The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury. 
Anyone who is uncomfortable alone will rarely be comfortable with you in their life. Suggest they get a pet. In that way there will be two heartbeats in bed; theirs and the cat’s. Parrots are good too. 

*Brandon is generally a calm guy in his early 30’s.His ex made 2012 the worst year ever. She would download his call and text records since she is an employee of Safaricom Limited. The findings would be let known to his parents and friends. She would visit him, dressed in a way he found provocative then leave her belonging at his premises. When everything did not yield fruit, she asked for a FWB (friends with benefits) relationship.
 “I was pestered and forced to do things unwillingly for a year!”

Luciana has the ex who had been around for the longest time: “Five years! Today he sends intimidating messages. Tomorrow he sends lonely ones. The next day he is inviting me to his parents’ home.” He has paid her watchman to notify him whenever another man visits. She felt disrespected, being a prominent Manager in Nakuru Town.

Irene Chege in her 20’s is healing from a traumatizing six months experience. Imagine the ex who shows up at every party you are in then tries to act ‘relationship’ with you. Young hot blood needs space to boil.
 “I felt suffocated.”

Eric Ndungu, in his early 20’s, explained how his ex-girlfriend would call his mother pleading her to ‘reconcile’ them. His cell phone, up to date, is ever in ringing mode. “I feel honored but embarrassed or guilty sometimes.” He knows that he has moved on. Regardless of how strong the chemistry still is, he would rather not ruin any current or future relationships.

According to Dr John Marsden of the United Kingdom's National Addiction Center, love is a game of the mind and hormones. First love being the icebreaker, it has to be overwhelming. It can fade if you think it. 

Cecilia Kavita, a Family and Marital Therapist, agrees totally with the above reasons why people refuse to move on. She adds financial dependency to my list. She therefore recommended some strategies that always help.

Psycho education is essential in that it will help the clinging individual understand oneself, the relationship dynamics and why it is unhealthy to cling on unhealthy relationship.

Psychotherapy –cognitive behavioral therapy-Generally helps the individual change their thinking and perception, uncover the motivations and fears associated with their thoughts and behavior then help the person learn to relate to self and others in way that adds value to self.

Personality assessment and analysis will also help the individual to understand their personality traits and encourage them to cling on their positive traits but not on the self-defeating traits that cause them pain and frustration. 

Personal coaching will also help the individual face life with more self-respect, explore and maximize their potential hence reduce the dependency syndrome.

Livelihood empowerment can help reduce dependency if combined with psychotherapy and coaching, as it will help in improving self-differentiation and bring the realization that one can also meet their needs.

Set clear boundaries in a firm but friendly way. Cut contact even with the friends you and your ex had in common. Clear all their things from your place .Take care of the child responsibly. These worked for *Brandon.
Remember, your head must always speak louder than your heart. Don't be afraid to let your ex go because time spent in the world of loneliness can teach people to be emotionally mature. Stop joyriding on their ‘generosity’ and weakness. New day, new things, new experiences.

  The next time your ex shows up at your door wearing that ‘I hoped you would see my face and that you would be reminded that for me, it is not over’ look, you know what to conclude and how to act.

PUBLISHED:http://www.standardmedia.co.ke/index.php/busines/videos/ktn/?articleID=2000079462&story_title=Kenya-The-ex-who-won%E2%80%99t-let-go